Junno White X'mas

So...the universe is joking me.


In fact guy A actually is a trouble..
I mean...
I admit that I was shocked but lol to be pulled down like this doesn't seem to feel good.

Long story short. This guy A actually has an unstable relationship with a girl.
And they aren't open in public.
But they do dates other people...

That sounds like trouble enough to me.

Then came the guy B thing.
I really thought that he had a wife.
Wtf man.
I heard he was 30 but he told another dude that he was 27 in the game.

Wtf man.
Why you confusing me dude.
And during the game time, i really like having him around.

But I'm bad at the game. Lol.

Today guy B, he actually accidentally killed me again in the game.

Gosh. He's just so funny.
When I refused to go to the same spot with him , he actually dare to say ; you don't love me anymore?

Damn it man... stop making me liking you so much!
  • Current Mood: confused confused
KAT-TUN Calendar 2009.04 - 2010.03

I'm back to blogging.

Hi everyone,

It's been 5 years since I last update my live journal.
Can't believe so much thing has changed and happened in 5 years time...

What triggered me to write this post is, of course;
The news about Taguchi Junnosuke leaving KAT-TUN and Johnny's and from show-biz world.

I am sad.
Listening back to their songs
And watching back their concerts + shows
When there were 6 members...
Then 5 members...
Then 4 members...
Until the very day, Junno decided to stopped his career as a KAT-TUN member.

I don't and never thought of Junno leaving...at all...
I thought I have all my sweet time to wait for their concert next year,
But I was so wrong after.

To think back how their Break The Record Concert was like,
How Nakamaru, Koki and Junno were crying of the appreciation, of the hardworks they done for that concert,
and how the fans actually helped them
supported them

I can't really explain,
But I really do hope and had hoped that they can remain as 4 members till the last,
Probably something happened in the Johnny's jimusho that's why Junno has decided to leave.

I don't blame him,
If I want to blame,
I would blame Jin first,
Then Koki...
Then the Johnny's jimusho...

Other than that,

I have read back few of my blogs and journals...
I think I have finally grew up.

But I am still me.

I still have yet to find The One.
Or shall I say,
I still haven't dated anyone.

I am still looking for the prince to appear it seems.
It made me sad again,
That I can never change from this course of life.
Someone actually asked me for date, mind you,
But he is a young guy,
Younger than me few years I think,

But he is the one, I cannot take it serious with,
To be honest,
I am not confident enough of myself.

Is it I am the one refusing to change?
I don't really know,
But if I take it seriously,
Will I be the one to get hurt?

I have no idea.

  • Current Mood: sad sad
  • Current Music: Precious One by KAT-TUN
KAT-TUN Calendar 2009.04 - 2010.03

Life Goes On

It is certainly been long,
Alright I know I am not a goody goody type of lady,
My last relationship ship was five years ago, which I still don't think it is a relationship,

To break up with someone is easy,
Just be cruel.

To push someone away is easy too,
Just be ignorant.

To make someone distant from you is also easy,
Just be different and rude.

I am tempted to start a relationship with a guy.
But not with a guy whom I cannot see him as my guy.
Five years ago I accepted a guy and tried to be in the role of girlfriend.
In the end of the first week we have been together, I could not hold my lies anymore.
I broke up with him because I do not even like 'like' him.
He was the one who pursued me to try this with him.
I agreed because I was curious of the term 'boyfriend and girlfriend'.
I did not let him do anything other than holding hands and hugging.
I am still untouched, but not innocent, mind you.
I have wild personality and wicked mind.
But that does not mean I want a guy who speaks dirty all the time while courting me.

I want a gentle, smart, caring, tall and funny guy.
Not some guy who will speak in vulgar language or ill-mannered.
I dislike smoking.
But that does not mean I hate everyone who smokes.
These smokers might have some unspeakable pasts or simply have some silly excuses and reasons to smoke like he or she is in misery and I despise this the most.
How ugly is it to witness a lady smokes in front of the guys in her office attire?
Drinking is alright but do not be too over like getting drunk all the time.
Plus, I am a big NO on drugs taking.
I pity those who has fallen ill and addicted for those unnameable drugs.
It just seems like a stupid thing to do.
How could they harm their own life like this?
How idiotic they are.

I love and adore bear hugs and caresses and exchange touches, but not in a very sexual way.
I love to be hugged and cradled in warmth, feeling safe and ease.
That sounds so novelty but it is really what I want.
But of course...
Who does not like hot guys?
I would love my guy to be well built, muscular but not too muscular like the wrestlers.
Body like an athlete and healthy, sun-kissed skin.
Sexy no?
Yeah, call me a dreamer.
I am one.

I do not want to accept a guy who was hinting things to me.
I am more to hate a desperate guy than an ill-mannered guy.

This guy I have known since secondary but never met him in person.
Knew him from a game DOTA, guess many online gamers out there know what is DOTA.
One day we were chatting and somehow he asked me to join him to the club.
I brought a friend with me.
Then after the club session, we hang out at some mamak stall. (typical Malaysia night food stall that operates by Malaysian Indians)
He is a nice guy but something feels wrong with him.
No I do not mean he is abnormal or anything.
His heart was broken by a lady one year ago.
He said that lady broke up with him because the lady's parents were approve of him.
Which I think it is a stupid reason.
Yes, certainly, maybe that lady did not even love or like him any bits.
Poor guy.
But irritating.

I just do not have the 'click' with him.
I admitted that I was the one who made the move to have attracted him.
But du'h?
I dug my own hole and now I will fill the hole and seal it back in place.
I could not even remember this guy's face.
And I am not willing to imagine kissing or holding his hand.
I am disgusted of myself because in this case I am in the wrong.
My girlfriend told me that my body language told him something and he reacted to it.
Yes, I am the messed up one.

I am not a slut or playgirl or like sleeping around.
I like flirting and make guys eyes go wild with me.
I like the feeling of being woman.
You know what I mean?
Being worshiped because of being attractive and womanly.
Yes, I am so frigging nuts.
Well, that is exactly why I said that I am no goody goody.
I am cruel.
Attract them, and leave them.
I do not love them.

I am still waiting for the One.
Yes, go ahead and say me silly and immature.
I know exactly what I want and I will wait for it.
Junnosuke is like my dream guy but yeah, I know he and I could not be paired up.
He is an Idol.
I am just one of the pathetic fangirls who wants him all for myself.
I know what is fantasy and what is reality.
Yet, that does not mean that I cannot live in fantasy and must embrace the reality forever.
Without dreams or fantasies, I could not survive until now.

I am not crazy until that extent.
Something tells me to wait.
To wait for the One.
To not act on my impulse.
To not accept any guy just to release my boredom and loneliness.

Perhaps it is the instinct in me telling me so?

I do not know.
For better or worse, I know once I have doubts on a guy.
I will never consider him.

I just hope the One will appears soon.
  • Current Mood: blah blah
  • Current Music: Loveless - Yamapi

I'm here!



Oh, I know its been agessss since I last update my journal.
How are you people doing?
I'm good and all, still me, the me who crazes for KAT-TUN and my handsome and most KY guy, Junnosuke XD

I'm changing job again soon,
I know it's bad haha, but I have my own point and reason.
It's still travel line.
Maybe because I'm too used to it already, that's why I find that line back.
Oh, the people in my current company is okay and friendly.
It's not because of them why I quitting the job there.
Instead, I will miss them lots.
I had this thing about some guy 2 months ago where I just started this position,
and some girl who's that guy's girlfriend went and searched for my blog and found out that I had a crush on her guy.
Okay, perhaps I was an idiot to post those stuffs on my blog but hey,
I'm always honest in my blog and it's my blog, my little place for me to update the journey of my life,
So what I said you're fugly and a tall freak with a guy shorter than u a head and not few inches?
It's the truth and you gotta accept it, since you've already accepted that guy as your man.l
You should have know that these criticism or hurting words will follow you around ever since then.
He too, loves you and you love him,
So what's the matter with me saying anything?
It's your relationship and if you couldn't even hold him to you then it's your problem.
(Oh, it was just a cute crush and I wasn't intending to break them apart and get the guy, you know what I mean?)
I liked that guy all right, he's cute and that was it.
Move on, silly!

I will miss my colleagues, a female colleague named Helen,
I will miss her.
She's really good to me and we kinda share same topic.
When she wasn't showing up in office, I'd be upset and missing her.
Haha, female-friend-complex?
I'm not lesbian or gay.
I'm just somehow attracted to the girls/women who's funny, gentle and soft-spoken, and nice/comfortable to talk about anything.

By the way, I think many KAT-TUN fans know about the cancellation on the 'Going!' Concert in Bangkok right?
I wasn't shock or anything and got a mixed feeling between disappointment & relief.
One, because it's dangerous for them!!! What if the people shoot my guys, my beloved KAT-TUN?
Two, I cannot apply leave for the concert and to book the hotel room because I'll be changing company soon!

That's my updates for now, until then, we shall meet again!
Good night everyone!

Tags: , ,
KAT-TUN Calendar 2009.04 - 2010.03

Why her?


I don't know and I don't understand.

I do know and I do understand...

I'm being silly here.
I can't help it. 

When you like someone who doesn't like 'like' you,
It hurts.

Oh, he likes me but as a friend.
No more and no less.

And that's the shittiest part.

I'm no in love with him.
A crush maybe.
Huge one in fact.
Can't say that I didn't try to forget the crush I had for him.
And still having.

We are friends, and we usually hang out together for a night tea.
Don't laugh,
In my place and country and culture,
When we say hang out for a night tea, it's really just a session of drinking some beverages with bunches of friends.
Like, we go out at 9PM, find an Indian food stall and sit there for like 3-4 hours, just spend time bullshitting and talk and laugh.

That's Malaysian Chinese for you.

I was young then when I had crush on him.
Thought it'd be wonderful to court or flirt a guy.
Like in classic novel and comic or manga story...
Giving him love envelope but in modern way which is 'SMS' or text messaging with your handphone.
Then, of course I failed badly.
It was damn embarrassing so I'm not going to talk much about the courtship.

He was or rather still is a nice guy.
A Pieces guy.
Emo sometimes,
Talk much when he's in good mood.
Down when he's in off mood.
But, I know whenever I see him, it's like the world in my eye sight got brighter.
It's a stupid way to explain that but I'm afraid it's true.
I mean, it's true how it will happen whenever I see him.


Well, not that he's handsome, but he's taller than me, 5'9, 5'10 maybe? (I'm 5'7)
Slender  body or  shall I say slim but athlete body,
Wear specs, dark hair, dark eyes, sun kissed skin,
Ambitious to be a musician, he studied architecture degree/diploma, perhaps?
He knows how to play well in guitar and now he's learning viola.
He teaches guitar in some community places.
Well...he lost his father few years back, he now stays with his mother, 2 older sisters, and a youngest brother.

I don't know much of his personality,
Or what's his favorite foods or beverages or things.
I only know he's very sporty and likes sports.
He was also one of the popular boys in high school.
But he wasn't a playboy, just a nice boy.
Too nice maybe.

Enough with me talking about him.
I was always waiting and hoping for him to fall over heels on me,
Yet no, he doesn't see in me,
He did have few relationships but fall out after few months.
He won't make a move or has any interests in his friend, which is me.
I know he won't, ever.
It's time for me to move on, not that I didn't move on, I did.
Just that I was reminded that I'd had a crush on him whenever I meet him.

I wish for his happiness.
And I will find my happiness by finding another guy, who might actually treat me well and love me.
I want a guy, a man who will be happy being together with me.
I want a man who knows how to love and really caring for a woman he loves.
I don't show that I need any protections because I don't need men whom doesn't love me, protect me.
I want a man who will be mine forever and spend my life with.
I want a man who appreciates me.
And a man who really accept me being me.

  • Current Location: 事務所
  • Current Mood: exhausted exhausted
  • Current Music: 君が嫌いな君が好き~Love yourself~ by KAT-TUN
Nemui no Junnosuke

The Funeral & My Family Roots.

Hi there.
I think let's introduce myself first before I talk about my family.

My name is actually 'Chor Kiet Hang'.
Yes many people don't know how to pronounce it correctly.
Just try say "Cho-r Ki-t Hang'.
Not 'Cho Keat Hang' or 'Chao Keat Hang' or 'Hong' or anything.

In the beginning, my name was supposed to be 'Chor Kit Han'.
But thanks to my ever loving father, he wrote "Chor Kiet Hang".
From the day I was born, every teacher tended to write my gender as 'male' or 'boy'.
I do sometimes wonder did they do that purposely?
I will never know.

My Chinese/Cantonese/Mandarin name is ‘曹洁娴’.

Yes, I'm proud, really proud that I have a surname of '曹'.
I won't explain much why, since you people who had studied Chinese Histories and Tales will know.
Well, I don't.
I mean, I studied in Malay/English school, therefore I didn't learn much of Chinese Histories and Tales.
The sources I got were from my mother and some Chinese TV historical drama series.


Now, let's get into my family story.

I admit, I don't know my family trees or roots,
I only met and know few closer relatives but not all of them,
I don't know how many uncles/aunties or nephews/niece I have.
Be it alive or dead.
Yes, by saying nephews/nieces, I do mean my father's side family's relatives.

I didn't like them.
Still don't anyway.
Too many issues like age gap and other shits.

Yesterday's night.
If you have/check my Facebook account, you will know what I did and where I went to.

It was my third step-granduncle funeral night.
Today's morning he was cremated.
I didn't go. (I will explain later)

Last night was just like other normal Buddhist funeral night.
I don't know much about the concept.
Just some like the surroundings and preparations.

The family of the deceased will call upon every relative to attend the night or maybe few nights.
(It depends on the custom or the priest to hold how many nights for the funeral).
For him, it held 2 nights before his cremation which was today.

The tables/chairs will be blue or white.
There were 2 or fews white lanterns, written with blue inked words.
The ones I saw were, his age vertically written ‘七十有五‘ (Seventy five years old)
and his surname ‘曹' ('Cao' in Mandarin pronunciation) follows by another character below which defines him being the pure blood of '曹' name carrier.
I can't read too difficult Chinese character. (Hey, I'm Malay/Eng ed, okay?)

White lanterns are only in use when there's someone dies.
It's neither beautiful or scary.
It's just a simple thing that makes you feel hollow when you stare at it.
That's me saying. I don't know what about you.

Me being his far-relative, his step-grandniece, I think?
Usually won't go and take a peek while he was laying inside the wooden craved coffin.
I afraid to look at dead people's face, honestly.
I only looked at his picture, he, my step-granduncle whom I didn't meet/talk to before, maybe we did but I don't remember.

He, step-granduncle died because of cancer.
His son, step-uncle told us on that night that his father died because of his stubbornness.
His father didn't tell anyone of his sickness and insisted he was fine even till the last few breaths before he passed away.

I didn't see any of his children cry or showing any 'sad' faces.
Step-uncle even told us jokes and laughed.
He said when he think back that since last few months, his father, the deceased, who has retired and returned from overseas, has been showing signs.
Signs of him having sickness and dying.
He stayed and died in the government apartment where his son lives in.

The deceased met my mother few times while he was still alive in Malaysia.
He told my mother that he retired because the overseas government told him to do so.
My mother and other relatives believed him until the day he died.
We think that he might already knew that he was dying, that was why he flew home.
He might also didn't want to burden his youngest daughter, who he lived with when he was overseas for about 8-9 years.

I heard that he wasn't a good father and husband.
He didn't raise his children, but he wasn't exactly a bad father.
He just maybe didn't care or take notice much.
He was nice to his wife.
But of course I do also heard that his history with his wife was amusing.
Their wedding wasn't what you expect in this 20/21-century era.
It wasn't all lovely, happy and didn't receive many blessings.
There were arguments and fights.
Even between them, the husband and wife.
Again, of what heard, some auntie's father of mine was angry with their wedding and purposely tripped the bride's leg when the bride was handing the tea for some elders to drink. (The Chinese wedding customs, sigh)
So, my step-granduncle was mad as well and took out a watermelon knife and threw it on the table.
Then, both family's ties were severed.


Not yet the funniest thing.
Actually, it's not the funniest thing in my life.

It's definitely weird and funny in some way.
I think you've been wondering why I stated the deceased as 'step-granduncle'?
Maybe you're already getting what I'm going to say,
I had two great grandmothers.
I didn't know until yesterday, my auntie told me.

Why my parents didn't tell me?
And I have lived until me being 20 years and 10 months old only to be told by my relatives that I have such interesting family roots.

My great grandfather apparently had two wives.
The first wife died young in the age of 23 after giving birth to my grandfather.
The second wife then married and she wasn't a bad stepmother to my grandfather.
She was kind and that was why they, the steps and my grandfather got along well...
But not after my great grandfather died and leaving an old house and few inheritance behind.
The steps weren't happy and worried until they were mentally challenged.
Ha ha.
That was a joke.

Anyhow then,
The steps and my grandfather relationship came to an end.

So no wonder why I couldn't get along with the others.
I do want to know more about my family roots, you know.
Not that I'm very eager to join or reunite with them and forgive and forget whatever things had happened in between generations.
I'm not a person who's all kind and innocent but that doesn't mean I don't forgive.I do forgive but not easily.

I didn't go to the cremation of my step-granduncle, I'm a coward, I know.
You see,
Even when those two nights the family members didn't cry or showing any signs of mourning...
That doesn't mean that they're not sad nor they didn't cry.
Maybe they did, when there weren't anyone looking.

A funeral makes people think and recall back the memories you shared and have had with the deceased.

Though he wasn't their hero or idol, he was still their father.
And somehow I know that he loved his children very much.
And his wife too.
That's for sure.
I just know.

R.I.P. dear step-granduncle.
God bless your very soul.
  • Current Location: Home with my Junnosuke
  • Current Mood: crappy crappy
  • Current Music: Lady Antebellum - All We'd Ever Need
KAT-TUN Calendar 2009.04 - 2010.03

Sad Sad Sad...

Maybe it is my fault after all of not having to grasp the friendships I have,
I wonder if everything will be okay if I was not like what I am now,

It is really such a sad fucking moment for me,
Woke up at night and slept in the morning,
No I not blaming my sleeping habit,
I am blaming myself who has few friends,

You woke up at 7:30PM,
Ate mom's cooking and then saw your friend messaged you on MSN Messenger,

She asked about coming out have a drink at night,
Then I looked at the clock,
It was 7:58PM,
So I replied her stuffs and asked where she wanted to go have a drink and what time and with who,
But seriously,
Do we have loads of yamcha friends?
In my mind,
I only have 3,
Which all turned out to be pointless,

It is really sad,
To only have a friend,
And with only 2 of us,
We cannot stay out long,
Because we do not have much topic to gossip or discuss,

When she sms'd me that she cannot use the comp because her sis was conquering it,
Never mind,
I sms'd her and in the end,
We did not go out,
I sms'd her a finaly message,
"Okay then...Have a good night."

I almost cried,

I feel stupid,

It is a normal and small thing,
But it could upset me this much,
Luckily I did not cry,
If not,
I will look more dumber than I thought,

May be it is best to hold on your computer or laptop forever,
Friend is just your second choice,

I hate this,
And I know you do too if it happens on you,

There is nothing left for me in Malaysia,
May be I shall go explore the world someday.

  • Current Location: Home with my Junnosuke
  • Current Mood: disappointed disappointed
  • Current Music: Nikishido Ryo singing TOKIO's Akirerukurai Bokura wa Negaou
Tags: ,
KAT-TUN Calendar 2009.04 - 2010.03

There And Back Again...

Hi everyone, hope everyone is genki and happy. To tell you the truth, I don't know what to write today. I just thought that I haven't been updating this msn blog. Then well I can't write long with my phone anyway. Okay, i've been looting around my house and go out yamcha with friends. Submitted 3 papers to resit in next year's january. This 2009 year is ending soon... I have many regrets because I achieved nothing unless some happy little moments like KAT-TUN fans gatherings, my birthday celebration, a first trip with only me and a female friend to Redang, working and quitting jobs, sadness moments which I don't remember and other stupid little girl stuffs... Ah, we always wish to get back to our younger moments don't we? I do. But, we must go on. Move forward and never go backward. You cannot undo nor redo. It has happened and all you may do is doing what you think and know is right for present. As for me, I don't know what shall I do nor can I think what is right to not do. Be free and be yourself all the time. Though sorrowness is all already infront, for you to fight with. For you to learn how to be strong. I guess this is it...
KAT-TUN Calendar 2009.04 - 2010.03




Real name: Ueda Tatsuya
Exact date of birth: 04 October

As usual,
MyKTFC fans were planning a gathering for Ueda's birthday,
But as usual as well,
Most of us can only come and hang out on Saturday,
So yes,

On 10th October 2009, Saturday,
Meet at Kinokunya, KLCC,
Lunch at Sakae Restaurant,

あさ、じゅういちじはん おきて、
シャワー を あびて、
は を みがいて、
かお を あらって、
MyKTFCのシャッツ を きこなして、
ちち を まって、
ケキー を かって、
えき へ いって、
でんしゃ を のりかえて、
いちじはんに KLCC へ きて、
MyKTFC fans を あって、
みな と はなして、
ひるごはん を たべって、
ケキーも いっしょに たべって、
しゃしん を とって、
それから、はちじぐらいに みな も うち へ かえりました。

Lol, seems like a kindergartener writing her diary...
Well, in English:

I woke up at 11:30am,
Took bath, brushed my tooth, washed my face,
Wore MyKTFC T-shirt, waited for my father,
Bought cake, went to train station, waited for train,
reached KL Sentral, changed train,
1:30pm reached KLCC, met my friends,
talked with them, ate lunch, ate cake together,
took photos, and then everyone went back home.

Here are the photos...

Ueda's Birthday Cake,
American Chocolate, bought at King's

Lighten up the candles by me and Wan

Left: Me, Cherish, Xiao Feng, Fish, Fish's Sis, Parasite,
Penny, UU & Kaoru

Left: Wan, Cherish, Xiao Feng, Fish, Fish's Sis, Parasite,
Penny, UU & Kaoru

Can you believe that this rainbow beads necklace
costed RM34.6?
This is the similar necklace to another brand's necklace which Kamenashi Kazuya wears,
Bought by Carmen, who's a KAT-TUN fan who went to Taiwan for her studies,
and airmailed 5 necklaces for Penny, Cherish, UU, Kaoru and Tea

Before some of the members arrive,
these people were talking about QAF, a gay drama,
AK, KAT-TUN stuffs, Japanese learning stuffs and J.E. topics,

Kinokuniya is MyKTFC fans' second home,
Full of japanese magazines, books, comics, novels and such...
If you wish to pre-order some japanese mags or books,
But Kinokuniya don't have,
Just write down the publishing date, book's title/name, and pre-order it at the counter,
Which mostly of us did...

MyKTFC fans

There were only 10 people attended this gathering...
But its better than nothing because we know that even if other members weren't able to attend,
Surely their hearts and minds are with us, celebrating the day with themselves,


We're all bonded lol,

To recall the memories again,
We seem like a group of idiot fans,
But who cares, right?
As long as we're doing something that we love and happy with it,
It's not a crime or sin to love and adore and worship an idol, right?
It's not a waste of money or time activity, right?
If you say its not right,

Then, think,
Who in the world don't spend for something he or she loves or wants?
Example, a nerd buys many text and exercise books,
For me I think its a waste of money because an exercise/text book costs you around RM30-50,
Why not you go and dine in a japanese restaurant which costs you around RM30-50 too?
Or maybe save it to buy more useful things like toiletries
Or yet, you go Isetan at Lot 10, squeeezzeee yourself into the craze crowd to buy 10 pieces of sushi for RM5?
Different thing, different value, no?

Lovely, isn't it?
Life is.

KAT-TUN Calendar 2009.04 - 2010.03

To Update XD

So here, i'm writing blog again coz i'm too free and refusing to sleep now. Now i'm jobless, lost my way, bored, whining and being emo. Bought new hp its G705, sony ericsson. A bit old, it was announced last year's july or sep. Dont remember. Tomorow going college and take payment slip. To resit the failed papers. Haha. Failure. Then my aunt is encouraging me to go new zealand, work of course. I dont know, but I need something new and to boost me up. Because i'm like losing my what? My strenght? Something like that, my life is just grey and I want it with colors... Anyway, I feel sleepy now. Hope I can dream something nice and sweet and happy. Oh ya, one stupid thing to add on and I admit, I want to meet my soulmate. Or rather I want a boyfriend or lover. I'm a pervert lol. Seriously, i've reach this age and I've my needs already. Lol lol lol. This is sounding silly and that's it. Bye.
  • Current Location: On bed
  • Current Mood: bored I'm bored!
  • Current Music: Nikishido Ryo - Half Down